i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer