How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Passwords are more important than ever.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine