The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”