I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
There are no pants in heaven.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.