So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
You Might Also Like
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.