witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge