I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”