The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
You Might Also Like
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
It’s the weekend y’all
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that