People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.