Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
some cats are just doing for fun!
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.