I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.