My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.