pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.