Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
You Might Also Like
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.