If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus