Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now