‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.