Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Worst perfume name ever.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.