Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
You Might Also Like
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
handsome & gretel
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards