son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.