Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat