Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
This can never not be funny 😭😭
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
dam girl
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”