me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
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just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
@ candidates for local office
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
How dramatic are you?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.