[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*