David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…