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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Simple enough.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My dress code is business-casualty.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper