Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
What do you hear?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.