You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly