That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
You Might Also Like
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it