I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
#parenting
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head