Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
tourist season
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.