During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
You Might Also Like
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
this is the greatest thing ever
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Sounds like a bargain
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.