I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Not all heroes wear capes….
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I want what they have
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING