I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
You Might Also Like
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
reminder
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Hello, my name is Pierre.