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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Breaking news:
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.