pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful