I really would love to see two mimes arguing
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This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation