*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what