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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
ok like just. call me at this point
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.