Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
sugar glider wrangler
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*