doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You Might Also Like
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I created you as mosquito food.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.