My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.