[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Legend 🤣🤣
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.