I only treason on days ending in y
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.