NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
You Might Also Like
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
translated into Canadian
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?