Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
boat question
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…