Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Who’s your best friend?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”