I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.