I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
You Might Also Like
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.