[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard